After watching Transformers, i drove back and at a traffic stop, i turned and noticed my vacant co-driver seat; i loved her, and so did she. (i'd like to think) circumstances tore us apart. now she is married and i still am stuck in ruck.
that was how i've always ended the conversation as to why i'm still single or explain my tattoos. to be honest it's always questionable do i still love her. to some extend i still miss her very much. i miss the time she held my arms and leans over my shoulders. i still remember when i took her to watch 'Lord of The Rings 3'. she was in a very mushy mood i guess. she made me feel like 'the worlds greatest catch' guy that night. holding on to my arms, telling me how she'd loved me from day 1 and will never stop, starring into my eyes and asking me if i loved her. i miss that. i miss squeezing into a single bed and holding onto her. planting my nose into her hair and my fingers into her bellybutton. i miss her touch, i miss her skin, i miss a lot of things about her. it's been 3 years now and i still ask myself if i still love her. knowing she has moved on with someone else and happily married, probably planning a family, can i still stand here and justify that i can still love her?
here it is; i guess i will always love her. she was my first love and will forever remain special in my heart. asnwering that question, i ask another; how do i move on from here?
i've made peace with the fact she will never come back to me. it was never mine in the first place. i've moved on and focused my life on things that are more material. getting a degree, getting a career. starting a life i'm starting to enjoy. but the continuous search for a replacements seems to be there. i don't want a replacement for her. thats not possible. i'd like to find someone new, someone whom i'd love and cherish for all the wrong or good reasons but be it for the reasons she makes and not ones that i justify with what i've lost.
the void left in me by her will never be filled, the pain and joy she left behind will never fade. unlike the world (which is very very small) the heart is a vast space just waiting to fill. we overcome sorrows by the thought that someday there will be joy and in time we feel the pain lesser and lesser. we find new people in our lives, we make new friends, new enemies. we set new goals, we even buy new toys to keep us busy. but the gapping void will never close, 60 years down the road, when you're senile, you will...i will ask myself the question, how would have my life been if i would have married her? and thats when it matters most. cause at that very moment, if can look back and say i'd trade everything just to relive the life i've chosen and lived until today, then i can cleary say, my purpose was well served. but today the gloomy thoughts of what if when that day comes and i say instead; 'i'd give it all up just to look at her brown pearly eyes just one more time'
...what then?
my topsy turvy battles to push the black hole i've suffered into recession has lead me to many new pages of turmoil, laughter, hate and anger, tummy tighteners and wonderful joys of bodily union. and sometimes i sit back and i tell myself, i like this and i want this for the rest of my life. i want this 'God's creation to hold my tv remote' to be by my side, everytime my eyes closes and everytime it opens. but i dunno if this is how she feels and honestly i doubt if it even resembles the slightest similarities. i've often wondered how valuable i am to the people i'm surrounded by? am i just an expandable asset, who once peaked it's depreciation value is not worth having around? or am i truly irreplaceable? i've often drawn the conclusion i'm just a very good page turner thats not worth a second read. as pathetic as that sounds i've not given up the fight for all the good things. i mean, who needs companionship when you have Butterscotch?
i've grown very affectionate to my family and my dogs over the last 2 years. i've seen a side of me thats really ugly and one that should never come out of the closet ever. i've seen the length of measure in me grow to things i'd hardly thought i'd do again for another woman. woman are indeed special and they do wonders to a man and i quote my hero, Col;
"Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here."
i just love that movie, for one reason; it tells you life is always worth living, no matter what. just too bad, in reality i'm at the part where i yell out....
"I'm in the dark hereee....!!! you understand? I'm in the dark!!!"
okay i think after that line, there's no point in writing anymore. but i do somewhat remember her saying this to me when we had an argument once, 'stop living in movie lines...this is the real world!'
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