This week's wallpaper

is it just me or does she seem hot after winning Big Brother?

"it's complicated"

everybody is familiar with friendster these days, right? you know how the have your status and how you can choose whether or not you are single or divorced. my favorite is the 'it's complicated' choice. but i need to get one better...maybe friendster can add 'it's fucked up'...or 'fuck that shit'.

tomorrow my dad is turning 60, happy birthday Dad.

i've got no mood tp blog anymore, maybe tomorrow...

grow a set

i wish everybody would grow a set of balls and just say what the fucking hell it is they wanna say!!! you have some message to convey to other put it in the exact words you actually want it to be heard and don't go all 'home deco' on your sentences, trying to make it all sound so nice and dandy as if you being nice. especially managers in Flextronics, yeah you bunch of bozos, if you are reading my blog i don't give a rats ass.

this is my blog and if i wanna dish out some genuine bitching phrased up in my own words, then it's my wish 'you fuck with me, then you're fucking with the best!'. already you guys got no balls to make decisions, causing us to do the fire fighting, no wanna go all noble and caring... bull'funky'shyte!!! no i seriously mean, every single one of them can kiss my brown ass.

you wanna tell me to shut the fuck up and do as you say, just come out and say it, least i'll respect the command you have over what the hell you want. don't come to me and say, it should be what i want to do as well. cause my name doesn't start with A.K. (ass kisser).

goodnight everyone and fuck you too...

p.s; not exactly going to bed but sounded more cooler to end that way.

leave???

the thought of leaving the country....?! and why not?

one reason why i should pack and leave again, just one is all i ask for (and the guy who comes up to me and says family is gonna get his balls clipped off)

Eyes wide closed

my GM has started of his blog and has been sending out invites to read his blog, i wonder if i should do the same? heahehaeha...and for the past few day my blog was a restricted website. am i competetion?

i wish i get to sleep more, this insomnia is killing me. last night i went home and though i could sleep there but didn't work, whether i'm in Subang or Melawati it doesn't make a difference. i haven't slept since last night and just came to work at 5.30am! i look like shit and i can feel my eyes being swollen. it's weird how every year without fail i get this. it stays for about 3 months or so and then it goes. i have not had it ever since i started working last dec, till now that is. it was so much easier during college days.

my boss is being quite, i mean quite understandin about it, lets see how far i can hold this up or till my body fades out. i prefer working flexible hours, i come in, do my thing and leave within the required working hours. shyte man..Flextronics is not Flexible, even though their new tag line is Fast and Flexible.

i've always wondered everytime i blog, especially about stuff like this whether i can get sued? it is my blog and i'm entitled to say whatever i want but ofcourse we're talking about letting internal information and stuff. i mean it's not like i'm letting out confidential stuff but you know? can i get sued for defamation? wait the fuck minute?! do i really give a shit, you wanna sue, for what? i'm broke....

i wanna sleeeeeeep...!!!

This week's wallpaper

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

(can't think of a title)

i dunno what's worst, suffering from insomnia and not being able to sleep or thinking about something thats not gonna happen the whole time i'm awake?

okay, before all that....

not exactly what i'd call a perfect Grand Prix weekend. dispite the fact that Massa drove (according to Steve Slater) a champions race i still think both Ferraris' had (and have) the pace to obliterate their rivals but both drivers' seem to be in a phase where by whatever they get seems to be enough for them, correct me if i am wrong (Formula One Fans)?

i mean is there no hunger to gun down the car infront of you anymore? putting aside the fact that your engine has to last the next race in Barcelona, putting aside the fact that the last stint of the race was run on hard compound tyres, putting aside the fact you are nursing some sort of technical disadvantage, (i can go on and on) but putting aside all these factors i saw a more gutsy drive from David Coulthard in the entire race then any other drive on the track. which puts validation to my allegation that is no more character left in the sport. lucky for us very few there was one brave soul willing to take the risk (in style), Nick Heidfeld taking on Alonso on the outside but even that i'm willing to put heavy money on Alonso not wanting to have a dog fight on his hands.


back to routine bitching...

when was the last i watched a chinese movie? some fire monkey movie with Ric in 1997 if i'm not mistaken. well i just spent my night by watching one, the actress had a pretty face (thats all i'll say about it).

sunday was a Sarah's graduation and no one else even say a word. it was at Shang KL. i must say though i remember Shang being bigger somehow but then again can't remember why. anyways it always help to have someone who has put on the robe before doesn't it. having graduated before i always wondered whats the big deal about graduation day. i had a big sigh of releaf on my graduation day even though it wasn't really a tough to get through. but it was nice to have your name being called out and you get the small aunce of recognition, i guess.


anyways,

tomorrow is back to work. i tell you if i had a penny for everytime we had an indecisive situation cause by management, i'd buy Queensland by now. the phrase 'Line them up and give me a badge and gun' comes to mind but when you are an engineer, shit comes in all sort of shade and form. suck it up and live with it (of course until you promoted into a manager and become a rootcouse to the shit yourself).

1980....

maybe i'm not being understood or maybe i'm not understanding people?

i know i'm not being totally honest with myself and others. there are some i wanna share my feelings with but can't, then there are some i wanna tell off but i can't either. i wanna cry but can't either. i know these days i've become very paranoid. i question myself more and more these days, i question my motives, i questions other people's motives to the minuscule of possibilities.

i'm over reacting, i'm over imagining things. i've become to a stage where i don't really trust anyone. each time someone says something, i shake my head but often ask myself if this person is telling me the truth.

i dunno why but today i have the guts to say this, i think i'm in love but i'm afraid with someone who doesn't love me at all. i dunno but i'm afraid that i'm going to crash abd burn like i did before this time i don't have tears left. i believe once again, i'm falling into a depression but i know i can't allow this to happen. the first signs are already here, i'm tired, not sleepy at night. i think about her all the time and lose concertration on what i'm suppose to be doing. and worst still i can't face up to her and tell her.. the story of my life....

Any Given Sunday

undoubtedly the worst sunday i've ever had...

i dunno if i am just being paranoid but somehow the creepy feeling that i'm just being taken for a ride...the feeling that i'm just being used by people is just shadowing behind my shoulders. a voice inside of me says; 'give it up, fighting is futile'...

am i just being used? is that all i am worth to everyone? i tell myself that i will claw onto every inch of my dignity if i have to but if this is all i am worth, then what? how do i go forward from here? just let bygones be bygones?

enough about me...

anyone else care to comment on Formula One yesterday? all i'll say is; 'I MISS MICHAEL..!'

This week's wallpaper

Smell the smoke and money...

couple weeks back when i met up with mohan we were talking about memories and one particular subject that we touched on was the memory of smell. i dunno if everyone gets this. a certain smell, a certain scent can trigger certain memories to just emerge out of you sub-conscious mind.

my Ex-girlfriend use to put on this very particular type of perfume and recently someone in the office has started using it and i tell you a sort of weird feeling pops up, like my stomach is gonna get inverted out. i really can explain it. but the feeling is definitely a sad one.

same goes, a couple of nights back when i went back home, my mom gave me this throw to use at night and this was the exact one i used when i was in UK. the smell of it, just triggered all the nights i spent there. sad ones and good ones, all at ones. this was even wierder i tell you.

which brings me to the very point of, you never really get over wounds, they never heal. they forever remain with you. in time you just get imune to it and move on. until something like this triggers the pain. like an old war wound that acts up during the winter (hehaehaehe, nope i don't have an old war wound. but i do have a 27 stitch long wound on my right arm and no, it doesn't act up [yet]).

okays...gotta get back to work.

p.s; something about work that i'm starting to enjoy it more, AND I WANT A RAISE!

This week's wallpaper

Denial - Acceptance - Mourning - Recovery

the easiest stage of them all is Denial, cause in some sick twisted way you are happy.

but my particular favorite is Recovery. reason being it all depends on how well you Mourn. cause the mourning stage have lots of sub stages, there's the sad part, there's the anger part, there's the confused part, there's the happy it ended this way part, then there's the remorse part and slightest of deviations in the way you feel throughout the period could mean you get stuck on just one stage and never leave till it's time to more to Recovery. which in terms spell disaster for your next undertaking.

and sometimes i wonder if i Mourned well? because these days i noticed i've become a bigger bastard than i was way before and it's not a very nice feeling you get when you jerk'like hurt someone and go back feeling completely no remorse. i dunno much la but i always try as much not to hurt other people and you know what? these days i do, a lot, on purpose...

maybe i got stuck on anger during my Mourning? or maybe i haven't even finished mourning yet?

(ALARMS AND SIRENTS RING OUT>>CODE RED)

The Author Guinness Tribute weekend

before i start just wanna give a shout out on behalf of James and Yoga;

"Prem, you bastard, you bastard, you bastard!!!"

it was nice to meet yp with James and Yoga last weekend. saturday was purely a good drink up day man. has anyone realize that a pint of Guinness is now 26bucks (the old Raj would have just paid). but it was all worth it man. it's pity that they don't have drought Guinness in Melacca and so Yoga and James have never tasted the vanilla like finger licking taste of the Guinness foam. in James' own words; 'it's like licking a tender pussy, balls!'

we went clubbing afterward and ended watching scene after scene of people provoking a fight and preliminary squabbles but no one person did fight. there was this girl who was yelling that a guy fondled her in the club and the boyfriend was yelling outside that he wants to bitch slap that bastard but he himself was falling all over the place. another bumped his head on a car after yelling too much and passed out, and another bunch of guys just shook hands after a lot of 'HEY'S tosed around.

we malaysian really need a lesson on how to club from the british. i've been clubbing there and i rarely saw fight. cause you know what they did after getting pissed drunk? they just puke and vandalize public property and end up spending the night in lock-up for a misdemeanour.

btw...

anyone watched football last weekend? Man Utd rocked man. well i kinda knew they'd take vengence on Blackburn for last year but my biggest match was Arsenal being gunned down by Liverpool 4-1. man that was hilarious. oh well you win some and then you lose some.

on a seperate note, Happy Birthday Thanes.

something about mary

if someone questioned you whether or not what you are doing or did is right, how would you react?

if it was me (okay laaa, it is me) i'd just forget about it and go about what i was doing. reason being i'm too strong of an individual to stop and bother how others feel about the things i do/say. i know i sound like a bona fide SOB but this is who i am. but then again i've always regreted hurting those who have come close to me and i do wanna say it's not what i wanted.

is it wrong to give your sanctity the utmost importance. is it wrong to say, i wont let myself get hurt? and i can say that i am hurting inside, old wounds have not healed and new ones are layering over it already.

on seperate note, i was talking to Mohan last saturday. everything he said made sense, well he said a lot of things but the one things that stuck in my mind was this, my old blog was good. he would read it again and again but this one (my new one) is crap. i guess in someways i was a better man in the UK cause that was the time i was going thru my Acceptance and Mourning stages. and during my recovery stage and i come back here, i've become a bigger bastard than i ever was. deep down that soft Raj still exist, i'm just finding it hard to bring him back out. i dunno why...maybe cause he is still busy crying and missing someone.

"can't blame your narcissism..." - Ros

am i changing the way i look too much?

Crack, crack...Thunder Crack, cracked my ZZZZZ's

i've always been a guy who is not easily frightened (okay, not really laaa) but last night i was freaked by the sounds of thunder and the flashes of lightening. i am serious, the thunder literally scared me out of my boxers (another reason to sleep in the nude). it sounded like the thunder was right outside my window and the lightening was gunning for me. am being paranoid? but, no wait, when was the last time you were scared of a little rain and thunder and lightening? when i was 5, 4 maybe less. maybe it's something else, maybe i was AFRAID OF THE DARK?

sigh....

okay, you know i gotta blog about this (no way in hell is there gonna be a blog of mine without talking about Formula One). before i start typing about the Australian Grand Prix, i need to quote someone;

"I'll never miss watching Formula One but i miss Formula One" ~ Navein

so Ferrari are off to a fyling start. the Iceman was so dominant that at every stint he managed to pull a full 17 to 16 second gap between himself and second place man, which to no suprise to me was both McLaren drivers. no bad run from the rookie, Lewis Hamilton. and then of course (i can believe i'm gonna use this word ) the defending world champion Alonso drove another champions drive, not giving an inch and not taking an inch more than he needed to (very Schumacher only?). which brings me to Massa (another word i can't believe i'm using), the Ferrari veteran, from last to 6th, not bad or bad? all in all i thought he did an amazing job at fighting his way till he reached behind both factory Honda's, and then he determined his place out of the podium by staying there. and then after that, once again he drove a solid QUIET race (mind you, quiet is not the way to drive if you wanna grab the podium spots). despite the fact that he was fueled to the brim, i think the Ferrari had the edge over Renault (of Fisichella) which Massa finished behind. but then again, 1st race of the season, you wouldn't wanna risk everything to gun for the chequered flag, unless of course you think in the lateral (and once again the name Schumacher comes to mind) way of the single of points make the tiniest of difference at the end of the season.

so after all the hints i gave in the first stint of my review about Formula One, enough of the Australian GP, time to talk about the quote above;

Michael Schumacher laft a void in Formula One. yes many will deny it, cause all they wanted was to see this aging giant walk out of the sport, thinking it'll give the sport an opportunity to grow out of the Senna, Prost, Hill and Schumi era. hate to disappoint them, IT'LL NEVER!

drivers come and go every year but Legends make their mark that (opologies for the word) stain the sport for life. yes i agree there is no one player greater than the game but the likes of Michael Jordan, Tiger Wood, Pete Sampras, Babe Ruth, Ayrton Senna and Michael Schumacher the sport was not big enough to contain them. they grew too big to fast and stayed there too long. i'll admit watching Formula One last weekend was exciting, Kimi gave us one hell of a show but the anticipation before the race was not there. the thrill during the race was not there. it was all yay yay but no argh argh argh...

i'll forever be a Tifossi, no doubt about that and i cannot imagine myself giving up on the sport that has tought me so much about life itself. but something was gone and probably never get it back in it's true original form. and now being a Formula One obsessive-compulsive disorder patient, i have to find my cure in recognizing myself with another character to fullfill the urges of speed and victory, spills and thrills. but i still wanna put my finger up and claim something has come out short.

in short, Formula One; it has everything a race needs, it has everthing to a great season building up to new contentions, it has everything except the Michael Magic was we have far too often come to recognize with.

i know exactly what you mean Navein....

Waiting On The World To Change

By John Mayer

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

the cekap'os, the mental'os and the crack'os

the cekap'os

300, awesome movie. a bunch of new faces which eventually all of it get severed off. amazing battle scenes (typical epic battle movie) but i particularly loved the scene where Leonides had to battle with this ugly (and i mean bad ass mother fucking ugly) kinda 8 foot giant with a face that can scare the shit out of a Rottweiler. i went with a bunch of colleagues (so Ric don't get jealous).

the mental'os

have you guys realized lately that the tollgate personnels are getting more and more prettier. don't get me wrong, no discrmination intended. but seriously i've been noticing the toolbooth women are getting hotter and hotter day by day. or is it just me?

the crack'os

i've been over spending and seriously need smakc my hands everytime it reaches for the plastic burried in leather.

Sports update...

Liverpool 0-1 Manchester United

O'Shea at stockage time, bend over bitch

ladies and gentlemen, meet Teddy....

she just got herself a cool hair cut and a new hairclip, isn't she just simply cute.



i miss her (damn did i say that out loud)...



oh btw don't they look like twin sisters, i actually have another picture but i kinda know if i post that picture Sarah would literally kill me, hehaheahe....