while i waited for lights to turn green

After watching Transformers, i drove back and at a traffic stop, i turned and noticed my vacant co-driver seat; i loved her, and so did she. (i'd like to think) circumstances tore us apart. now she is married and i still am stuck in ruck.

that was how i've always ended the conversation as to why i'm still single or explain my tattoos. to be honest it's always questionable do i still love her. to some extend i still miss her very much. i miss the time she held my arms and leans over my shoulders. i still remember when i took her to watch 'Lord of The Rings 3'. she was in a very mushy mood i guess. she made me feel like 'the worlds greatest catch' guy that night. holding on to my arms, telling me how she'd loved me from day 1 and will never stop, starring into my eyes and asking me if i loved her. i miss that. i miss squeezing into a single bed and holding onto her. planting my nose into her hair and my fingers into her bellybutton. i miss her touch, i miss her skin, i miss a lot of things about her. it's been 3 years now and i still ask myself if i still love her. knowing she has moved on with someone else and happily married, probably planning a family, can i still stand here and justify that i can still love her?

here it is; i guess i will always love her. she was my first love and will forever remain special in my heart. asnwering that question, i ask another; how do i move on from here?

i've made peace with the fact she will never come back to me. it was never mine in the first place. i've moved on and focused my life on things that are more material. getting a degree, getting a career. starting a life i'm starting to enjoy. but the continuous search for a replacements seems to be there. i don't want a replacement for her. thats not possible. i'd like to find someone new, someone whom i'd love and cherish for all the wrong or good reasons but be it for the reasons she makes and not ones that i justify with what i've lost.

the void left in me by her will never be filled, the pain and joy she left behind will never fade. unlike the world (which is very very small) the heart is a vast space just waiting to fill. we overcome sorrows by the thought that someday there will be joy and in time we feel the pain lesser and lesser. we find new people in our lives, we make new friends, new enemies. we set new goals, we even buy new toys to keep us busy. but the gapping void will never close, 60 years down the road, when you're senile, you will...i will ask myself the question, how would have my life been if i would have married her? and thats when it matters most. cause at that very moment, if can look back and say i'd trade everything just to relive the life i've chosen and lived until today, then i can cleary say, my purpose was well served. but today the gloomy thoughts of what if when that day comes and i say instead; 'i'd give it all up just to look at her brown pearly eyes just one more time'

...what then?

my topsy turvy battles to push the black hole i've suffered into recession has lead me to many new pages of turmoil, laughter, hate and anger, tummy tighteners and wonderful joys of bodily union. and sometimes i sit back and i tell myself, i like this and i want this for the rest of my life. i want this 'God's creation to hold my tv remote' to be by my side, everytime my eyes closes and everytime it opens. but i dunno if this is how she feels and honestly i doubt if it even resembles the slightest similarities. i've often wondered how valuable i am to the people i'm surrounded by? am i just an expandable asset, who once peaked it's depreciation value is not worth having around? or am i truly irreplaceable? i've often drawn the conclusion i'm just a very good page turner thats not worth a second read. as pathetic as that sounds i've not given up the fight for all the good things. i mean, who needs companionship when you have Butterscotch?

i've grown very affectionate to my family and my dogs over the last 2 years. i've seen a side of me thats really ugly and one that should never come out of the closet ever. i've seen the length of measure in me grow to things i'd hardly thought i'd do again for another woman. woman are indeed special and they do wonders to a man and i quote my hero, Col;

"Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here."

i just love that movie, for one reason; it tells you life is always worth living, no matter what. just too bad, in reality i'm at the part where i yell out....

"I'm in the dark hereee....!!! you understand? I'm in the dark!!!"

okay i think after that line, there's no point in writing anymore. but i do somewhat remember her saying this to me when we had an argument once, 'stop living in movie lines...this is the real world!'

A Speech in Hyderabhad

Why is the media here so negative? Why are we in India so embarrassed to recognize our own strengths, our achievements? We are such a great nation. We have so many amazing success stories but we refuse to acknowledge them. Why? We are the first in milk production. We are number one in Remote sensing satellites. We are the second largest producer of wheat. We are the second largest producer of rice. Look at Dr.Sudarshan; he has transferred the tribal village into a self-sustaining, self-driving unit. There are millions of such achievements but our media is only obsessed in the bad news and failures and disasters.

I was in Tel Aviv once and I was reading the Israeli newspaper. It was the day after a lot of attacks and bombardments and deaths had taken place. The Hamas had struck. But the front page of the newspaper had the picture of a Jewish gentleman who in five years had transformed his desert into an orchid and a granary. It was this inspiring picture that everyone woke up to. The gory details of killings, bombardments, deaths, were inside in the newspaper, buried among other news.

In India we only read about death, sickness, terrorism, crime. Why are we so NEGATIVE? Another question: Why are we, as a nation so obsessed with foreign things? We want foreign T. Vs, we want foreign shirts. We want foreign technology. Why this obsession with everything imported. Do we not realize that self-respect comes with self-reliance? I was in Hyderabad giving this lecture, when a 14 year old girl asked me for my autograph. I asked her what her goal in life is. She replied: I want to live in a developed India. For her, you and I will have to build this developed India. You must proclaim. India is not an under-developed nation; it is a highly developed nation. Do you have 10 minutes? Allow me to come back with a vengeance. Got 10 minutes for your country? If yes, then read; otherwise, choice is yours.\

YOU say that our government is inefficient.
YOU say that our laws are too old.
YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage.
YOU say that the phones don't work, the railways are a joke, the airline is the worst in the world, mails never reach their destination.
YOU say that our country has been fed to the dogs and is the absolute pits.
YOU say, say and say. What do YOU do about it?

Take a person on his way to Singapore. Give him a name - YOURS. Give him a face - YOURS. YOU walk out of the airport and you are at your International best. In Singapore you don't throw cigarette butts on the roads or eat in the stores. YOU are as proud of their Underground links as they are. You pay $5 (approx. Rs. 60) to drive through Orchard Road (equivalent of Mahim Causeway or Pedder Road) between 5 PM and 8 PM. YOU come back to the parking lot to punch your parking ticket if you have over stayed in a restaurant or a shopping mall irrespective of your status identity... In Singapore you don't say anything, DO YOU? YOU wouldn't dare to eat in public during Ramadan, in Dubai. YOU would not dare to go out without your head covered in Jeddah. YOU would not dare to buy an employee of the telephone exchange in London at 10 pounds (Rs.650) a month to, 'see to it that my STD and ISD calls are billed to someone else.’ YOU would not dare to speed beyond 55 mph (88 km/h) in Washington and then tell the traffic cop, 'Jaanta hai main kaun hoon (Do you know who I am?). I am so and so's son. Take your two bucks and get lost.' YOU wouldn't chuck an empty coconut shell anywhere other than the garbage pail on the beaches in Australia and New Zealand. Why don't YOU spit Paan on the streets of Tokyo? Why don't YOU use examination jockeys or buy fake certificates in Boston??? We are still talking of the same YOU. YOU who can respect and conform to a foreign system in other countries but cannot in your own. You who will throw papers and cigarettes on the road the moment you touch Indian ground. If you can be an involved and appreciative citizen in an alien country, why cannot you be the same here in India?

Once in an interview, the famous Ex-municipal commissioner of Bombay, Mr.Tinaikar, had a point to make. 'Rich people's dogs are walked on the streets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place,' he said. 'And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements. What do they expect the officers to do? Go down with a broom every time their dog feels the pressure in his bowels? In America every dog owner has to clean up after his pet has done the job. Same in Japan. Will the Indian citizen do that here?' He's right. We go to the polls to choose a government and after that forfeit all responsibility. We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to do everything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative. We expect the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage all over the place nor are we going to stop to pick up a stray piece of paper and throw it in the bin. We expect the railways to provide clean bathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms. We want Indian Airlines and Air India to provide the best of food and toiletries but we are not going to stop pilfering at the least opportunity. This applies even to the staffs who are known not to pass on the service to the public. When it comes to burning social issues like those related to women, dowry, girl child! And others, we make loud drawing room protestations and continue to do the reverse at home. Our excuse? 'It's the whole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forego my sons' rights to a dowry.' So who's going to change the system? What does a system consist of? Very conveniently for us it consists of our neighbors, other households, other cities, other communities and the government. But definitely not me and YOU. When it comes to us actually making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves along with our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far away and wait for a Mr. Clean to come along & work miracles for us with a majestic sweep of his hand or we leave the country and run away. Like lazy cowards hounded by our fears we run to America to bask in their glory and praise their system. When New York becomes insecure we run to England. When England experiences unemployment, we take the next flight out to the Gulf. When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and brought home by the Indian government. Everybody is out to abuse and rape the country. Nobody thinks of feeding the system. Our conscience is mortgaged to money.

Dear Indians, The article is highly thought inductive, calls for a great deal of introspection and pricks one's conscience too.... I am echoing J.F. Kennedy’s words to his fellow Americans to relate to Indians.....

'ASK WHAT WE CAN DO FOR INDIA AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE TO MAKE INDIA WHAT AMERICA AND OTHER WESTERN COUNTRIES ARE TODAY'

Lets do what India needs from us. Forward this mail to each Indian for a change instead of sending Jokes or junk mails.

Thank you,
Dr. Abdul Kalaam

I’m not of the same nation, but stand facing the same accusations. maybe it is time to stand and fight for what we deserve here in our own country than run like a coward else where and brag about how great that nation is, but the question will always remain; Is it worth it?

go fucking watch....

TRANSFORMERS

everybody...take the bunching underwear out of your butts and go freaking watch it. if you've never watched it as a kid, you'll still love it, if you loved watching it growing up, then you'll freaking fall in love with it, again!!!

okay okay...probably i'm over reacting cause i just loved it when Optimus Prime said;

' Autobots, roll out...'

and they got the actual voice (well not really actual but sounds like it) from the cartoon. and they took lines from Transformers The Movie, when Megatron and Prime battles it out;

Megatron: [surprised] Prime.
Optimus Prime: One shall stand, one shall fall.
though i doubt this was in (but it was in Transformers The Move)...
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
Optimus Prime: That's a question you should ask YOURSELF, Megatron


oh i'm in love, if it wasn't for my freaking shoulder, i'd go watch it again and again....

The Later Years

are here to party, stay and happening everyday from 6pm till dawn at The Joint, Subang....

now occasionally i don't take too well to pubs or cafes that easily. i mean only a few. for instants, Tattlers at Hartamas (which have long closed), Sega's at Penang Ferringi Mall, Finnegan's at Midvalley, Roadhouse Grill at Jln Ampang. but i dunno, something about this pub makes me wanna go back there everyday. i also like the music there...it's like they're playing my entire CD collection.

the band is not bad too, there's another bunch of guys who are kinda good. i mean i loved the songs they played that one night we were there....


well this band tried to get their salsa act right, they were there, close, but not quite there yet.


being us, we had to call upon the band lead singer and buy her a drink, for what i have no idea. none of us seem like the type to buy women drinks just to take them home or whatever. we're more the type, the less drinks we buy the women, the more booze there is for ourselves....


such a small place and it gets really cramped up by 9pm. it can get crazy to to even step into the bathroom and crazy is not necessarily a bad thing.


now, according to Harry, on mondays their bartop is filled with dancers and it's like a Coyote Ugly scene, once again, being us. we need to imagine these women doing the coyote ugly dance sequence...not helping much without the wet T-shirt though.


i kinda got lost in the whole plot along the way...


i mean who wouldn't...


and when you step into the mens room, they flash your eyes with this...


nice place, but sometimes i feel like i'm too old for this sort of place. fast cars, fast women, fast drinks, loud noise...all i want is a Guinness. but when you think about it, all the men who go there, gulps down all that fantastic booze for a fantastic price as well, then look at all the pretty women serving them with smiles and grazing the men as though to tease them. indirectly their just doing all the mens wives a favor. well this is from my point of view; their gonna get high, their gonna get tipsy and horny at one point and their gonna start hitting on all this women. but the downside is this women are gonna say 'no' and the men are either gonna go home and give their wives the best darn humping they've ever had, or sleep it off in the parking lot on the back seat of their Mercs, while their wives are giving some young bloke the ride of his life. either way, what a way to spend a night out.

i wanna go back to Tattlers. where the Guinness was just right. the barmaids were not there to get you drunk or tease you. and when it's all said and done, the DJ plays an 80's S.P.B. song just for all his loving Indian customers, leaving us to explain the song to our ever bungling Chinese friends.

The Wonder Years

have all gone by...

a monumental week has just gone by (well it's 'monolithical' in a few sense)...well for one, so many huge blockbuster movies have opened in the last weeks and i, me, the great movie buff of all time have not gone to watch even one of them;

Fantastic 4 (Jessica is bloody hot, i'm gonna marry her one of these days...)
Shrek 3 (and i love Shrek too, i'm gonna marry him too)
Pirates of the Carribean 3 (even so, i could be gay for Jonny Depp)
Ocean's Thirteen (it's got Alfredo 'Freaking' Pacino in it!!! he says a line in a movie and i'd cum for him)

and today Trans'FARKING'formers opens. i'm a huge fan of the cartoon, i could name you all the names of the characters, in freaking reverse alphabetical order...*phewww...thank god i've got tickets to go watch this one, or else i think i'd pop a blood vessel.

okays, here is the other reason why it's been a huge week. Ric and Shenn are now officially engaged. he proposed and she smacked the shit out of him for suprising her, then eventually said yes and couldn't stop starring at her ring, while i had to wait a whole hour trying to get into position before i could finally get everything on film (you guys owe me one!). she now officially clocks a walking speed of 1.2 karat slower than the average woman. todays show has been brought to by the letters 'M', 'O' and the number '3'...


a friend of mine from my college days, Gopi is now a father. yes, on tuesday at approximately 11am he and his wife Uma became parents to a healthy baby girl. same day i get that news i get a phone call a friend of mine from my Uni days in UK, are parents too. they too have a healthy baby girl....

Marriage, kids....?

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

back to kindergarten

when we were growing up, if one of our friends said a nasty slur or a vulgar language, we'd all close our mouth and 'hooooohhh...you said a bad word...' and now that we're all grown up we've been exposed to the world and we're considered matured adults, we realize and acknowledge the appropriate language to be used. but how about graphics? where does the bodderline, and who is the judge? if a narrow minded BASTARD sits at the top of the chain and considers everything knee and above obscene but goes home and tells his wife to put on the victoria secret he bought her for christmas, aren't we all doomed?

is this appropriate? is this considered pronography?



i was asked to remove this from my wallpaper or to be given a warning letter. so lets analyze this picture for a while. now imagine if she was wearing a bikini (a really skimpy one) which is something we see on the tele almost everyday, how is that considered to be pornagraphy? okay, another thing to really look at this picture is the message and not focus on the woman who is standing there. ofcourse when you ask someone to filter out stuff like this, we need to give him guidelines which reflect on the reality of the world we live in. we need to understand where we are and where has our acceptance evolved to.

so can i say that a woman dressed in a bikini is considered explicit material? the whole issue of sexual harassment has been blown off proportion and is losing it's grip on it's cause. so from now on, just to spite people, this is my on my desktop;





sometimes i feel Flextronics is becoming a Kindergarten, for fuck sakes act your age and be grown ups. don't say it's offensive if you really don't believe it's offensive, don't just jump on a bandwagon and spread a propaganda which is has no factual support.

Road to discovery (no, not the Camel Trophy!)

My JB trips have been one to definitely write about (though i took so long, trust me, it's worth it!) so i imagined it'd be one of those Maruwa Makan Maruwa Machi gang hooking up to discover our lives after Maruwa. well it turned out better than i had planned. exception for the FARKING JB traffic (and my frequent runs to the bank to pay my bills, in which btw, thanks prem for driving me).

so here is how the day started (or ended, should i say). we all met up in Larkin at about 10.30pm and by midnight we had gone thru a case of Heineken's. i'm talking those big bottles, and by 2am we had attacked a poor innocent tree with our access fluids (we'll take that into good grace, since it's dual active fertilizer).

so the next day, James (a.k.a. Holy man) goes to church, JB decides to show one of it's heaviest rain downpour (i'm guessing it had something to do with James going to church). Prem getting lost in his own city, and me growing ever so tired of the FARKING JB traffic. well atleast before the night had ended we had seen our fair of booze and really hot women dressed up really skimpy.

so what have we learnt; Live After Maruwa....

1. These two are still craving homosexuals


2. He is still the bitch in their sick twisted relationship...


3. We were hanging out with an authentic 'Uncle'...


4. He hates John Daniels...(WHY????!!!!)


5. And he sleeps with his hands between his legs (only god knows what he is dreaming about)


under oath, i solemnly swear none of the pictures above were doctored in any form or manner and the narration is purely fictional/personal observation and is not to be taken truthful in the court of law.

p.s: you bitches, when are we gonna do this again (minus the John Daniels part)?

the curse of 31

i never learn my lesson. taking her to BR is like taking the devil to a bloodbath. well she seemed fine after the first scoop.


but after the second, something changed...


then i knew, something was wrong when the two flavors had mixed inside her.


and the rest as they say is history (repeating itself)!

We went to watch Shivaji

but there, we found out the Simpson's had adopted Appu's long lost brother. and we thought they couldn't get any more dysfunctional.

how do pocupines mate?

very carefully (which i am not) or very unsuccessfully (which i am great at)

the comfortable feeling of solitariness is very discomforting to me. it's sad that i prefer to be alone these days. i'd rather just stay in, watch a little tv, surf the net or worst still, sleep in early. is it that i don't want to meet new people or is it i can't afford? i've been hit with bad luck when it comes to the matter of the heart and to be honest i'm starting to be okay with it. i mean, it's not like even if it last it stays the same. but i was just thinking last night how i've grown comfortable being alone.

one dowside though, i hate eating alone....

going down to JB this weekend, to meet James and Prem, Maruwa Makan Maruwa Machi weekend. lets see how it goes. i really liked the place we hanged out the last time. it was called the Zone. well it's no KL but the location and everything put together was really nice. i was thinking maybe life in JB won't be that bad after all, eh? i mean cheap booze and hot women, what else could a porcupine ask for?